Permanence

Adoption

Adoption is permanent, just as our adoption into God's family is forever . . .

In a young life, it's hard to grasp the permanence of adoption.  Typically, especially in foreign adoption, a young child experiences multiple caregivers over a prolonged period of time.  It's hard to understand that the final placement, their "forever family," is in fact forever, after a string of temporary arrangements.

For infants in the adoption circuit, it's often hard for them to establish bonds and attach with their new family.  After not being allowed attachments due to multiple caregivers early in life . . .

For older kids, they may not understand the permanence of this "forever" placement.   Our sweet 9-year-old still struggles with this after three years home.


Family is forever, you can't always pick your family . . . but in his experience, family isn't always forever.  When encountering a stranger who enquirers about our conspicuous adoption, and then sweetly offers to my son: "I'd like to take you home with me," he responds "sure!"  As if this were another temporary stop and he can try out a new family.

He has struggled with contentment.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  He is certain life is better in other families: my cousins all play sports, maybe I should join their family; my best friend's house seems awesome, I bet I'd be happier there.  So when an offer is made by a complete stranger, or jokingly by a good friend, he takes it completely seriously . . .


Advice to others: please don't jokingly offer to an adopted child (whom you can only assume is struggling with attachment issues) to come live with you.  They might not understand the subtle . . . and this doesn't help with their understanding of permanence. 

3 Months Home

It's hard to believe it's been three months!

When we took the time to really think about our transition, we were surprised to realize how well and "normal" things are at home. We have moved out of survival mode and have definitely fallen into a regular pattern, we just didn't recognize it! We've been waiting to find our "normal" . . . we have unknowingly found it! This is just a very different "normal" than before!

The kids are all getting along incredibly well. Just as siblings should, they're best friends, favorite playmates, and experts at annoying and aggravating each other!

It's such a joy to watch the kids playing together. The current favorite: singing and dancing along with Mary Martin's Peter Pan. The kids have the Indian/ Tiger Lily dance choreographed - it's really cute to watch all 7 together.


In terms of language development, the kids are amazing. Hiwot's speech is fully English and she speaks in very complex sentences, making it seem effortless: "I can't make a house again, Mama. You do that, make house to me? I want to watch a movie, Mama. I see deer out my window " She loves watching movie, quotes lines, providing commentary, and is quickly memorizing songs. She knows the words to nearly a dozen children's songs.
Tesfaye is also excelling. Compared to Hiwot, he has a more pronounced accent, still rolling his "r"s and struggling with certain sounds and pronunciations of words. He still speaks in a broken English, but has no trouble expressing his ideas, thoughts, wishes, and concerns. "Ouch! Daddy! Me tongue eat it!"

All the kids speak fluent "Tesfaye". We have to constantly remind the children to "speak complete sentences!" Rather than saying "Me no playground outside", please say "I don't want to play on the playground outside". Poor Tesfaye will have trouble moving past his broken English way if we're all speaking broken English to him!

We have incorporated several amharic and sidamegna phrases into our everyday, hoping to preserve at least a small part of their language. Maegli only call flowers "ababas"!

Hiwot . 4-years-old

Hiwot's personality has really exploded in the past month. She is so full of fun and energy, it's been wonderful to see. She is always busy, always playing, usually giggling and being silly. So funny! She is still shy in new settings and with new people, but the shyness is not lasting as long and she is beginning to warm up to a select few people outside of our family, showing off her delightful personality. We still see the "shell" (where she retreats into herself and closes off completely), but it's now very infrequent. We're so glad she is feeling comfortable enough to not need the protection of her "shell" retreat as often. She has become very affectionate and loving. She'll say "I love you" or "de-nah-nish/nick" and gives the sweetest kisses and hugs without prompting.

Hiwot loves building blanket houses, coloring, playing with the kitchen and food set, reading ballerina books, and taking care of her baby dolls. She insists on choosing her own clothes each day: usually a pink dress with tutu (just like Maegli). She enjoys having her hair conditioned and brushed out and styled, but hardly keeps any bows or puffs in for very long. She still requests to sit by Mama for every meal, and seems offended if not allowed to assist in the meal preparation. (Amy has started a meal-helper rotation schedule, so there are only two helpers in the kitchen for each meal). She still is eating a lot, and seems to enjoy all foods. She often has 2-3 helpings each dinner. She has grown 1-1/2 inches since coming home, but surprisingly (with how much she eats) has yet to gain weight! We continue to feed her lots of balanced meals and snacks around the clock, certainly the weight gain will start soon!

Tesfaye . 6-years-old

Tesfaye is a delight. He is such a sweet boy, always eager to help and always ready to play. He is incredibly sweet and caring and sensitive with his siblings, but knows how to rough-house like a pro. We do need to beware, Tesfaye possesses real fighting skills! He is much more receptive to our affection and constantly seeks our approval. He now comes to initiate snuggle time, loving to sit with us while we rub his back and read a book. Overall he is so much more comfortable and relaxed, less worried than before. He definitely knows how to have fun!

Tesfaye loves working on school work: math and phonics, playing baseball and soccer, building with legos, coloring, watching movies, building train train tracks, playing Memory, and "fighting" with Hendrick. (He is very athletic and highly coordinated!) He is also eager to play with new friends and is very comfortable with all people. He definitely knows how to have fun!

We pay the children for certain chores, Tesfaye is always the first to volunteer his services, he likes having a job to do. This week we counted up his money, he was thrilled to have earned $17.00! He spent his money on a super Nerf Dart Gun - very exciting!

With health, he's doing great. He has grown 2-1/2 inches since arriving home, and has gained 5 pounds!!! He eats very well and is very proud to help prepare food. (The first time we made brownies together, after getting a lick of the yummy batter, he was so excited for them to be done, he sat on a chair and watched them bake for the entire 20 minutes!) He still doesn't care for blueberries, plain cheese, or milk. We are treating a few spots of molluscum on his skin (very common among kids in an orphanage setting) and he's had some major dental work done. After a lifetime of not brushing teeth, dental work was inevitable. We're fixing his teeth in quadrants and after two appointments, the upper teeth are all finished and look beautiful. He has been pleased to finally be able to enjoy iced beverages and ice cream without tooth aches! Tesfaye has lost 4 teeth since arriving home . . . two naturally (the dentist was responsible for one, Hendrick assisted with the other).


We have been transitioning to a more normal life. We kept our world very small for the first two+ months. Now we are taking the kids to church! Hiwot and Tesfaye went to their Sunday School classrooms for the first time last week and thoroughly enjoyed being with all the kids! We have started going to story-time at the Library. We've had our first dinner guests and had friends over to play. We also went over to a friend's house for dinner. These may seem like minor things, but for these kids, they are major accomplishments! Our world is slowly opening!

Our new normal is busy, but it's comfortable. The kids are getting along incredibly well, and all are so sweet and affectionate. As with all families, we have our moments (some "moments" seem long!), it's not always perfect, but it's good . . . very good!

We are incredibly blessed!
We LOVE these kids!!!!

Two Months Home

After keeping our home tightly closed for two months, our doors are slowly opening to the outside. We have been incredibly intentional keeping our world small as Hiwot and Tesfaye are adjusting and our family is bonding. The kids have done great. While we have taken several family outings (playground, baseball games, zoos, water park), we have intentionally chosen places where we could avoid (stress inducing) attention.
Hiwot and Tesfaye seem ready to let a few more people into our small world. We've moved slowly. Following their lead, we brought them to church for the first time (our church family was thrilled to finally meet them!), we had our first babysitter (late night date!), our first dinner guests, and our first over-night family visitor. Change is stressful, new people are overwhelming, but the kids have warmed up quickly and have handled our newly semi-opened world very well.

That the kids are leery of new people is a very good thing! That they get stressed in new situations is completely normal, expected and healthy. These are signs that they are growing more comfortable with us . . . we are bonding! Holding them close, it is time to (very slowly) expand their realm of comfort. Baby steps!

Hanna Hiwot
"Hiwi"

• Hiwot has grown 1/2 inch and gained 3 pounds since she first came home.
• We have started to slowly introduce her family name "Hanna Hiwot" but call her "Hiwot" mostly. . . sometimes her new nickname "Hiwi" (which she thinks is pretty funny!).
• Her roller coaster of emotions has settled down considerably. She is much more even-keeled.
• She is still easily overwhelmed. She is incredibly sensitive to new situations and people. We have learned to hold her tight and take things slow, allowing her time to warm up. At times, she dissolves into tears, but is quickly comforted by us.
  
• Unfortunately, we have had to revert to wearing diapers at night. After a month home, she started wetting the bed regularly. Poor dear. Stress shows up in many different ways.
• She insists on sitting next to Amy for each meal, and is a very good eater (enjoying seconds most meals).
• She loves to help prepare meals.
  
• Hiwot enjoys having her hair styled, but wont leave it in for very long!
  
• Her English growth is extraordinary. She is talking in full sentences (still broken English but incredibly clear).
• She loves to play: dress up, coloring, doll babies, pretend play, running, dancing, board games, singing.
  
• She can be incredibly goofy and is always full of fun energy.
• Hiwot and Maegli are inseparable!
  

Jackson Tesfaye
"Tesfish"

• Since arriving home, Tesfaye has grown an inch and gained 4 1/2 pounds!
• We have yet to introduce his family name "Jackson", calling him "T", "Tesfaye" or "Tesfish" - the endearing form of Tesfaye.
• Tesfaye has begun to open up to us more emotionally, clearly showing when he is angry, upset or frustrated. We are trying to help give him the words to express these strong feelings. We are working to teach him to allow us to comfort him.
• Approval is very important to him. He works very hard to please us - always very quick to help out. He gets very frustrated with himself when he thinks he has done something wrong. We want him to know he doesn't need to earn our approval - we LOVE him!
• Tesfaye has thoroughly enjoyed playing baseball (he has been incredibly impressive!). He also loves doing "school" at home. He has flown through math work and is learning to read (it's interesting teaching phonics to a child who is still learning English!). Tesfaye is a bright boy and very eager (and quick) to learn.
  
• Always eager to help, Tesfaye has earned a lot of chore money, spending some on a prized flashlight (which he carries around in his pocket).
• He has grown into a master Memory game player, and has learned to peddle a big bike!
• Tesfaye gets along so well with everyone. He is definitely one of the boys! It's wonderful watching them all together. He is especially close to Kolpin, always very sensitive to his youngest sibling.
• Tesfaye is very attached to Mike!
• Sadly, he is beginning to forget some of his birth language (we're thankful we recorded a lot when he was first home and have adopted several words into our family's everyday routine).
  

These two precious children fit our family perfectly. It's been wonderful and amazing to watch their growth these past two months. Each day we get to know our children better as they are becoming more comfortable and settling into our family. We love them both dearly! They are such a blessing to us!

Tears

Attachment.

Attachment is a process. Bonding takes time. It can't be forced. It takes familiarity, consistency, patience, repetition and time to build trust.

We are 8 weeks into this process with Hiwot and Tesfaye.

The process to attachment is, at times, a roller coaster. We have our ups, we have our downs. We have watched and held our children through a broad spectrum of emotions.

Hiwot and Tesfaye's world has been turned upside-down. Everything is new. Change can be scary, and they are too young to fully process and understand. At times their only communication is to cry. It gets a little bit easier each day. We're making progress.


We fiercely love our children!
We can't take the hurt and the pain and the scars away (as much as we wish we could) . . . but we can love them through it all.

We can hold our children when they cry.
We can love our children when they're mad.
We can comfort our children when they're frustrated.

We can pray for God's peace and protection and comfort over their precious lives.


We can love them through it all.


After 6 weeks home, the roller coaster is slowing down and settling. We are not experiencing the extreme highs and lows. The kids are showing more vulnerability, a sign of trust. They are much more receptive of our love and comfort. They are initiating interaction.
We are still seeing extremes in how they react (in their limited contact) with other people: they are either completely stressed and shut down, or throw themselves into the arms of strangers. This is a sign that they are still not secure in our relationship.
We know we're on the right path and have been so encouraged with the progress we've experienced in just 6 weeks.
Attachment is a process. Bonding takes time.

We will love them through it all.

Attachment

Attachment is not an easy topic . . .

When our children come home (God willing soon!), our primary focus will be bonding.

Bonding with children is critically important regardless of how your family is made. It is vital in child development to have healthy attachment with parents. For "birth children," bonding happens naturally. In the special case of adoption, parents must be intentional to build trust and form this attachment. Creating a secure attachment requires time and interaction and may require weeks or even years to develop. Predictable repetition of parents meeting a child's needs is the foundation to forming an attachment. Creating this early attachment will be critical to their ability to develop relationships in the future.

Hanna Hiwot and Jackson Tesfaye will be adjusting to so much when they arrive home and may need extra help connecting. Eventually we want them to bond with their siblings, but it is important for to their first attachments to be with us, their parents. We will need to be the center of their world and be their primary caregivers (which means no babysitters nor nursery for a time) to help build this attachment.

We would appreciate your support as we work these first few months to build secure attachment with our new children. We want to help make this transition as easy as possible for H & T and set them up for success in the road to bonding. It is our desire to heal these children and form healthy and secure attachments. God designed loving and secure families to be the best medicine for healing a broken child. We are believing God to fully heal these children.

How you can help:

1. Take some or all of the current 5 children for special play time. They will need extra attention during this transition, and we need the dedicated time to focus on H & T. (You are more than welcome to take our van!)
   
2. We know this is difficult, but please don't hold our children for the first few months - holding a child who is not "attached" can make the attachment process longer and harder.
3. Understand that these children are very good at "putting on a good face" in public.
4. Respect that we will need to keep our world quiet and small for a while. We can't wait for you to spend time with our new children, but this will happen after we have established a good start in the bonding process (most likely they will not come to church for a time)
5. Pray for all of our children through this process!

Thank you in advance!

The transition will not always be smooth, but we believe that practicing rigor in attachment practices now will enable a healthy bond. This is the ideal groundwork to lay as we aim to raise our children to know and love God. We pray, one day they will choose to follow Christ, where they will come to know the total and complete healing of God.

We are excited to start the bonding process with Hiwot and Tesfaye!